The sport of football is fast becoming a new religion in America. People sacrifice enormous amounts of time and money to watch, cheer for, and represent their favorite teams, and Sunday has taken on quasi-religious overtones for the devoted football fan.
But every religion needs a set of rules for its followers to live by. Football does not yet possess these rules.
Out of the goodness of my heart, I have decided to compose a list of these commandments. Football fans everywhere, rejoice and take heed!
Here is a new list of football commandments, which shall henceforth be known as the Ten Commandments of Football:
1) Thy team is the best team in creation. Thou shalt have no other teams before it.
2) Remember not to cheer for any team other than thine own, except if the game has playoff implications for thine team.
3) Thou shalt keep thine eyes fixed on watching football on the seventh day. Six days thou mayest focus on other matters, but devote thy full attention to football on the seventh day.
4) Honor the star players on thine team, and curse with vituperation those who perform badly.
5) Thou shouldst defend the honor of thy team with thine body, yea, even with thine life, if it is required of thee.
6) Thou shalt not marry the forbidden fruit of a fan of a rival team.
7) Thou shalt not steal thy neighbors’ flat screen TV for the watching of games; thou shalt instead buy thyself a bigger one.
8) Thou shalt not attack a coach or player from thy team without just cause.
9) Thou shalt not covet the forbidden fruit of a fan of a rival team of the opposite gender.
10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors’ flat screen TV for the watching of games; thou shalt instead buy thine own.
(A special thank you to Benjamin Block, who inspired the idea! Check out his new blog, A Catholic Cowboy in Academia!)