Monday, July 16, 2012

Failure to Desire Goodness...

There are days I hate my brain and my body with a fiery, flaming passion. Today is one of those days. My stupid brain and body have gone haywire again. Or, more accurately, I should say that my disordered desires are pulling my brain in destructive directions.
St. Paul's dictum comes to mind: "For the good which I will, I do not, but the evil which I will not will, I do." (Romans 7:19) But St. Paul was apparently a far better man than I am. I wish his obvious desire to do good were present in me. It is not.
For I am not even at that point where I want to do good - and in my heart, I know it. Deep down in my gut, I want to hurt those who have done me injury, even perceived injuries long since past. I want to gratify my own desires, whether for food, drink, or excessive sleep – or even baser desires. I still want my own way, without hesitation.
What makes this situation worse is that I know what God wants of me. I know I should be helping others come closer to Christ, denying myself pleasures instead of gratifying them. I know I am called to service, not selfishness.
But I want the pleasure, but not the pain; I want the pride of success, but not the mission; I want Easter, but not the cross. And I act accordingly.
St. Thomas Aquinas, when asked how to become a saint, famously wrote: "Will it!" But to will sanctity, we must desire it first. God grant me, and all who suffer with me, the strength to will this desire.

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